Introduction To Relationships
by Red Witch
Summary: Lana and Ray talk about the drama that is their daily lives.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is missing. Let's go down to the Figgis Agency to find it. Wait, bad idea. Most of them can't find a clue.**

 **Introduction To Relationships **

"HOW THE HELL DO YOU KEEP GETTING MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER?" Mallory shouted.

"IT WAS FOR A LEGITIMATE EXPENSE!" Archer shouted back.

"I TOLD YOU I WASN'T PAYING FOR THAT RIDCULOUS CAR ANYMORE!" Mallory shouted.

"ONLY HALF OF THE MONEY WAS FOR MY CAR!" Archer shot back. "THE REST WAS FOR SOME DECENT OFF BLACK TURTLENECKS!"

"WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND THOSE DAMN TURTLENECKS?" Mallory shouted.

"WHAT'S WITH YOU AND ALL YOUR COMPLAINING?" Archer shouted back.

"There they go," Lana groaned as she went into Ray's office. She closed the door behind her. "Do not feel like listening to **that** all afternoon."

"The more things change huh?" Ray asked. He was sitting at his desk working on something.

"I know," Lana sighed as she sat down. "What are you doing? You've been in your office all day."

"Well I just finished two online courses I've been spending weeks working on," Ray pointed to his computer. "One is Excel so I have something extra to add to my resume."

"And the other one?" Lana asked.

"Introduction to Criminal Investigation," Ray said. "Which qualifies me as earning one hour towards my detective's license."

"You can take courses **online** to earn hours towards a detective's license?" Lana was stunned.

"Only so many," Ray shrugged. "But yeah. What? You didn't think I just played FreeCell all day did you?"

"Honestly…" Lana began.

"I withdraw the question," Ray rolled his eyes. "I'm also doing a creative writing course for fun."

"Aren't those online courses expensive?"

"I found a few cheap ones," Ray shrugged. "The creative writing course I found for free. The other two I paid for because they count towards my skills set. But not much."

"That's not a bad idea actually," Lana sighed.

"What exactly do you do while we're here?" Ray asked. "Between fighting and screwing Archer that is. I know you're not working! No one else here is."

"I am too!" Lana protested. "I'm…doing research."

"Yeah, right," Ray laughed. "Pull the other one. Seriously?"

"Oh all right," Lana admitted. "I make a lot of phone calls. Mostly setting up appointments for AJ. Some bill paying. I send e-mails to my family lying through my teeth about how things are great. Cutting out and organizing coupons. Actually I get a lot done around here."

"Me too," Ray nodded. "Too bad we don't have a laundromat anymore. I used to clean my clothes for free."

"Me too," Lana admitted. "I think I'm almost as broke as we were when we were running that damn drug cartel."

"I know," Ray groaned. "Let's just say I've learned to use my super speed to grab food from bars that aren't very well lit."

"If you're that desperate for food why do you have an Eton shirt on?" Lana pointed.

"I got it at a discount," Ray coughed.

"You didn't steal it from a store did you?" Lana asked.

"Of course not!" Ray snapped. "Besides I'm not **that** desperate! I'm just…cutting corners. A lot. And being…creative."

"WHY ARE WE ALWAYS RUNNING LOW ON TOILET PAPER?" Cyril was heard shouting.

Lana gave Ray a look. "Like I'm the **only one!"** Ray pointed out.

"Guilty," Lana admitted.

"Speaking of which," Ray let out a breath. "Cyril is still moping around your backdoor huh?"

"He wishes," Lana snorted. "He's got this new angle. Saying how **responsible** he is whenever he gets the chance. He's so obvious."

"Well he's still not over you," Ray said.

"Duh!" Lana scoffed.

"He really did care for you," Ray pointed out.

"Had a funny way of showing it," Lana grumbled.

"You know he was planning on asking you to marry him right?" Ray said.

"Only because he was so desperate and insecure!" Lana snorted.

"And you have **no idea** what that's like," Ray said sarcastically.

"Explain yourself, bitch," Lana gave him a look.

"Look I'm not saying Archer is innocent of what he did with Veronica Deane," Ray pointed out. "But you do kind of make it easy for Archer to push your buttons. You can be a tad bit…obsessive."

"I am **not** obsessive," Lana snapped.

"Then how come you're so obsessed with the whole kiss thing?" Ray asked.

"I am **not** the one who is obsessed here!" Lana told him. "Archer is the one who's obsessed over that over the hill has been who quite frankly wouldn't surprise me if she was still into her ex."

"Yes, she's nothing like **you,** " Ray groaned.

"What?" Lana gasped.

"Lana even you had to notice that you've been harping on that kiss ever since it happened," Ray said. "And the only reason Archer did it was because he saw you flirting with Ellis Crane. Well that and he's a dog with a bone for Veronica Deane. Two reasons then…"

"Okay let's get a few things straight here," Lana pointed out. "Number one is that I did **not** kiss Ellis Crane. At **no time** did our lips ever touch! Unlike Archer who not only **kissed** Veronica Deane in front of everybody…He took off with her and did god knows what while the rest of us were being held hostage by evil clowns!"

"They were hiding from the clowns," Ray pointed.

"I'll bet," Lana scoffed. "Secondly, Ellis Crane was the one hitting **on me!** I did **not** initiate the flirting. I was being **tactful**! Since I couldn't punch his lights out or turn him down I was being friendly."

"We could see you being friendly across the room."

"Again, I didn't **start it**!" Lana snapped. "Besides he was a big time Hollywood director throwing out possibilities for a job. I couldn't just tell him to get lost!"

"More like possibilities for a blow…"

"Not like **that** ass!" Lana barked. "Consulting for his new film."

"But you haven't been a detective for that long," Ray pointed out.

"That's what I told him," Lana said. "But he was still interested in my expertise anyway."

"I'll bet!" Ray snorted.

"And let's not forget," Lana pointed out. "Before that kiss, and **before** I was talking to Ellis Crane, I caught Archer openly flirting with that blond bimbo in the red dress! So Archer was flirting with **two** different women at the same party! All I did was talk to a guy who was flirting with me! Big difference!"

"Did you tell Archer this?"

"I tried!" Lana snapped. "Well he knows what happened! He's in denial!"

"He's not the only one," Ray groaned.

"Just what do you mean by that?"

"Lana your relationship with Archer is…How do I put this?" Ray sighed. "Like Jell-O made with nitroglycerine in a blender on a three legged stool. And one of the legs is broken."

"So you're saying our relationship is unstable," Lana gave him a look.

"Lana," Ray looked back. "The Middle East is **unstable**. Atomic bombs on a fault line are **unstable.** What you and Archer have is a whole **new level** of possibilities for destruction. I know you love each other but God girl, you spend more time arguing and screwing than any couple I've ever met."

"I love him Ray," Lana groaned. "God help me I love that asshole."

"I know you do. The problem is you both have is major trust issues," Ray pointed out. "And that you are _both_ addicted to Archer's dick."

"I am **not** addicted," Lana scoffed. "I mean I know he's…"

"Lana the man thinks the whole world revolves around him and that the rest of us are supporting characters," Ray said. "Even you."

"I am not obsessed with Archer!"

"Lana," Ray gave her a look. "You **stole** the man's sperm! You can't get any more obsessive than **that!"**

"Oh," Lana blinked.

"Yeah! Oh! Lana believe it or not nothing would make me happier than to see you two ride off into the sunset together," Ray told her. "I want you to be happy. But this is getting old. You're both falling back into your old patterns and neither of you realize it."

"I realize that Archer has major mommy issues!"

"You realize that **every man** you've been involved with has had some kind of parental issues," Ray pointed out. "Archer with his mother. Cyril with his daddy…"

"Barry had both mommy and daddy issues," Lana realized. "And…Oh boy."

"What?" Ray asked.

"I'm remembering a few other boyfriends I had," Lana winced. "Starting to see a pattern here. Someone really should have told me about guys with parent issues before I started dating."

"Someone should teach a class on Introduction to Relationships," Ray groaned. "They'd make a fortune!"


End file.
